23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23
As 2013 wraps up, I’ve been noticing more and more people getting engaged and/or married under the age of 23.
I get it.
It’s cold outside… you want to cuddle and talk about your feelings… life after graduation is a tough transition… so why not just cut to the chase and get married, right? It’s hip. It’s cool. You get to wear clothing that wouldn’t normally be socially acceptable at the dive bar you frequent with the $5 beers. Eff it. YOLO. YOMO! You only marry once…
Oh wait.
The divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average. Divorce is no longer a staple in a midlife crisis, but rather, something that SEVENTEEN Magazine should probably be printing on. Headlines could read,
“How to budget for your prom AND your wedding in the same year!”
“What’s HOT: Kids raising Kids.”
“Why your Mom doesn’t really know what she’s talking about.”
Because at the age of 22, I have no idea who I am, what I’m doing, and who I’ll be doing it with for the next year… let alone for the rest of my life. And that’s awesome.
Some day, I want to get married too. I want a floor length dress with a ton of cleavage. I want it to be in Asia, with Ethiopian food, and a filthy scotch selection to calm my nerves when I inevitably start to panic and hyperventilate. But WANT and NEED are two entirely different things. I NEED to develop MY dreams and MYSELF before I can truly be the type of woman you WANT to marry.
What inspired me to scribble down my feelings (so many feelings!) is The Facebook. I’m seeing all of these notifications that “X and Y” have joined in matrimony and instantly, these waves of anxiety start to flow over me. Should I be thinking about marriage? I’ve never even had a serious boy friend? Is there something wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT FOR ALL THESE YEARS!?
But then I look at my life, my relationships, and my future… and I realize that, I’m fucking awesome. It literally isn’t me, it’s them.
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I have begun to notice a common thread amongst all these young unions: inexperience. Inexperience with dating, traveling, risks, higher education, career direction, SEX, solitude, religious exploration, etc… and it’s insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life.
I can’t help but feel like a lot of these unions are a cop-out.
It is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.
Which could be tomorrow, because the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.
If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now. Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore. Do. Freaking. Something… other than “settle down” at 23 with a white picket fence.
Because you owe it to yourself. You are a human being that deserves to thrive inside AND outside of a relationship.
We are not our parent’s generation. I’m tired of hearing about how “my mom and dad got married young and X, Y and Z” because they were raised with a completely different set of values, priorities, and without the anxieties and adulterous risks that comes with the worldwide web. I’m speaking directly to the Millennials.
Millennials deserve the opportunity to develop ourselves, alone.
I recognize that my opinion is not going to be popular on The Facebook… especially amongst those who fall into the “under 23” category. I would be confused if I didn’t receive some sort of online backlash or a loss of friends on The Facebook. Some how… I will move forward.
But in the words of my 15 year-old sister, “Sorry I’m not sorry.”
Sure. Some days I wake up and stare at my ceiling thinking: “I’m single as fuck.” But then I realize that those friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon sssoooo in retrospect, who really is winning here? I’m in China. I’m having the best time of my life. I am responsible for my own happiness.
Please enjoy these 23 things to do instead of getting engaged before you’re 23.
1. Get a passport.
2. Find your “thing.”
3. Make out with a stranger.
4. Adopt a pet.
5. Start a band.
6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too.
7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage.
8. Explore a new religion.
9. Start a small business.
10.Cut your hair.
11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face.
12. Build something with your hands.
13. Accomplish a Pinterest project.
14. Join the Peace Corps.
15. Disappoint your parents.
16. Watch GIRLS, over and over again.
17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting.
18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.
19. Sign up for CrossFit.
20. Hangout naked in front of a window.
21. Write your feelings down in a blog.
22. Be selfish.
23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year.
… because at the end of the day, I just gotta wander onwards. Wishing everyone whiskey and wanderlust during the holidays.
XOXO V
Vanessa Wachtmeister is a travel tech professional and the creator of the wealth & wanderlust platform, Wander Onwards. Vanessa is originally from Los Angeles, California, she is a proud Chicana, and she has been living abroad for the last 9 years. Today, she helps people pursue financial and location independence through her ‘Move Abroad’ Master Class, financial literacy digital products, and career workshops.
It’s really funny that MOST of the people commenting are saying that they are young, married and perfectly happy. They’ve traveled the world, have seen great sites and lived fulfilling satisfying lives. Meanwhile statistics show that half the people (more or less) who get married these days get divorced later on. So either, people are getting married too early without becoming an individual first (which I highly suspect is true) or someone made up the statistic and no one’s really getting divorced that often at all. Now we could talk till our faces are blue that everyone matures at different rates but really we can’t ALL be different and apart from the ‘norm’. The norm right now is get married young and divorce later. Sure a few of you will last but it’s very likely that a lot of you young, fresh-faced and eternally happy married couples will someday turn into sour, bitter and disappointed DIVORCED singles. Have a happy day. 🙂
The reason the divorce rate is so high now has nothing to do with age. Young marriage is not a novel thing. Generations before us got married at 16 and 17. It was extremely UNCOMMON in say, my grandparent’s time, to be 20 and not married. The divorce rate has skyrocketed now because the social stigma on divorce has gone away. Divorce used to be unheard of because if you got divorced you would become a social outcast. Especially if you were in a religious family and town. Now it is easy to get a divorce and you aren’t criticized. How do you factor in those people who have been married two, three, even four times with divorces? By that time they are well into their 40’s, even older and marrying and divorcing, and that is also adding to that divorce rate. I personally think a huge problem is, that because its so acceptable to get a divorce, people go into marriages more lightly. They know they have an easy out later on. If that mind set would change, then the divorce rate would fall.
You think a heck of a whole lot about yourself seeing as your right and everyone else is wrong…though not everyone else is getting married. Your list is crude and it sounds like your lost yourself trying to find yourself in a lost world. Sorry. But don’t preach like your better….you are just the same lost in a lost world
I first got married at age 22. WHAT a mistake. I thought I was sooo old and must marry lol. We got divorced, no kids, thankfully, and didn’t marry again until age 34, after I did a lot of traveling and got my degree. I would never advise a girl to marry young. Excellent article!!
I feel like everyone is taking this extremely seriously and getting a leeeettle bit defensive, especially those who are married. It’s just a laugh, nobody is condemning you for your life choices, well maybe she is a little bit but hey… YOLO.
I’m sorry, but I think this is a bit narrow minded.
Just because you get married…. Does NOT mean you have to SETTLE DOWN
Lets see… I was married at 21 and accomplished all but 5 of these in my 20s. If you view marriage as the end of your life, it will be. I agree that there is a large amount of self discovery in your twenties and I wouldn’t suggest marriage to someone who isn’t willing to consider someone else’s feelings alongside their own. I’m just saying that you don’t have to be single to accomplish the majority of your list.
One thing I do suggest for those who marry young: Wait to have kids. While marriage might not change everything, kids do. They are wonderful, but they change everything. I treasure the 6 years of marriage that I shared with my husband before our son came along.
I didn’t get to kiss strangers and date multiple people at once, but my twenties were an absolute blast. I just chose to grow up with my husband instead of by myself. In the end, the appropriate path depends on the individual.
How about some actual goals that have meaning. While you have a few that are of substance, very few have any actual value…”Make out with a stranger?” … “find your thing?”. I propose that an age means very little compared to the maturity of the individual. I know those who are 33 or 43 and are just as immature as they were at 23 or 18.
There is more to life than marriage, but “making strangers feel uncomfortable in public places” or hanging out naked in front of a window ” just says you are kinda a creeper. Perhaps this should be more about goal setting and direction.
I found this article hilarious. Maybe it’s because I knew not to take the details seriously, personally or apply it to every situation. Maybe it’s because I know some people who probably have never left their state, and got married and pregnant at 20. Maybe it’s because I’m secure enough in my own beliefs regarding the sanctity of marriage to not be offended by a differing opinion.
Anyways, the flaw that I think set so many people off, was that the blogger didn’t bother to mention that there are many exceptions to the rule regarding the age someone gets married at. I mean, there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, so why take this “article” personally?
Oh and please don’t take her bucket list so seriously and defensively. It looks silly, because after all, it’s HER silly bucket list. Not yours. She’s not going to hold a gun to your head and tell you to pose naked in front of a window.
I’m so glad I’ve read this, nearly all of these are the exact same thoughts and feeling running around in my head…feels comforting 🙂
Love this post! I think the author is just saying that we need to experience life and live it to the fullest while we can be independent. I see lots of negative comments and I don’t understand why. Maybe some people are just mad they didn’t think to follow the author’s advice. Haters gonna hate. 😉 Keep blogging!
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I’m just not sure where you get the idea that you can’t have a great life WITH a partner. The things on your list are mostly things I wouldn’t care to do alone OR with someone else, and the ones that are remotely interesting I had done before I turned 20! I’m not married, but I am in love. I feel as if being in a relationship with the right person who can balance you is important. Life is “to each his own” and just because you are clearly bitter, stating that you’re “so awesome” and there’s something “wrong” with people who get married at a young age, gives your post no sustenance. Marriage is a choice that should be made when a level of stability is met in 2 people’s lives. If a couple is successful in their endeavors, why not join together? Maybe your anxiety about marriage roots from your instability as a human.
And if you think dating two people at the same time is something everyone NEEDS to experience, you clearly are as inexperienced and unworldly as your post leads me to believe.
I agree with you. I want to live my life and travel, learn, be independent, get educated, and have a career before getting married.
Lived in 3 countries, travelled to many more than that, worked nine months at an orphanage in Mexico, worked at a mission hospital in rural Honduras, worked as a ski instructor at Vail, CO, jumped from a military plane five times, just the highlights…so much sweeter because I had a husband and family to share it with me. Oh! And check this out, even though I’m married, sometimes I cut my hair…and eating a whole tub of Nutella (good on you for setting your goals high on that one) isn’t going to make you fat at all. Everyone has a different journey.
Interesting perspective, and I love that you are emphasizing that you should have YOURSELF figured out before you can even start thinking about becoming an “us”. However, I would argue that there are a few of us out there that have already learned to know ourselves at that depth. Major life events like illness, births, and losses force a few ‘lucky’ few of us to forgo the (as you put it) ‘selfish’ period of the early 20’s party-fest. Personally, I intend to fully engage in being in my early 20’s and enjoy my new life before marrying the man I love. However, if it was socially acceptable and not ‘lame’ to be married, I would already have done so. You see, there is this rather odd rift in society today between the ‘fun’ singles and the ‘boring’ couples. I am completely content & happy in my relationship, though many people give me the cold shoulder when I am out at the bars because I won’t be going home with a man I don’t know. It is easy to dismiss married life as lame or boring, but try to take it case by case. I have some friends who got married and started acting like they were in their 60’s, and others who remained the same individual people inside the context of love. Don’t let anyone shame you in to getting married, and in return don’t shame those who chose to do so. 🙂
🙂
Man, I usually don’t comment on this kind of stuff. But this struck a chord with me. More of an a-tonal chord than any, though. Here I am, 24. I got married when I was a sophomore in college. I went to one of the most liberal, free-spirited-travel-the-world type of colleges there is in the NW. And I was one of 2 people that I knew to be married.
Since tying the knot, I have traveled to Costa Rica, many places in the United States, have recorded my own album, stayed in Canadian hostels, lived in downtown Seattle, and traveled to Thailand. I have had the experiences you write about (except with less reckless boy-relations). But the great part is, I’ve gotten to share these with someone. Someone who, when we get home from an adventure, talks and laughs with me about it for hours. Someone who encourages me to go to grad school for music instead of just being a house wife. Someone who wants to go see the rest of the world with me, too. Someone who works so that we don’t have to struggle financially, and CAN go see the world if we want to. And while you think that you have develop yourself and your dreams alone, I tell you the truth. My husband has helped develop me in to a person 1000x better than the lonely, boy-crazy girl I was before. He has made me kinder. Funnier. More adventurous. And it’s a shame that you think these wonderful things should be put off until later years in life. Ironically, you think that these 23 things set you apart. In reality, these 23 things are what thousands upon thousands of people your age, our age, are trying to do. And then wen you are 33, who will you have to share them with? Three years of marriage later, I have no regrets.
Thank you for this. This is exactly how I feel.
I’m 23 and am currently with the man I hope to marry. Some of the riskiest most spontaneous things I’ve ever done have been with him. He got me into scuba diving, free climbing and both of us have traveled a fair amount separately and hope to do more together, despite him working full time and me being in journalism grad school.
She’s trying to encourage young people to get out there and learn about themselves before committing to another person. But you can’t hate on the people who choose not to be single. It’s a personal choice. Love happens when you don’t expect it and it’s all a matter of finding the right person who is supportive and who challenges you to be your best self.
Natalie you are right. Relationships and marriage should be about having fun, reaching goals together and being there for the other person.
And for everyone else reading these blogs that condone eating your feelings, binge drinking, dating/hooking up in an unhealthy way and then wondering why you’re still single, I suggest you get off the computer and actually experience the life you want so bad instead of reading about it. You might even find someone along the way, imagine that!
Hmm…I feel as though some of these 23 things are reckless and could cause major problems in your future marriage. You must think of your husband or bride to be, even before you know who they are. Single life isn’t about being ignorant and selfish, but rather growing into a mature person who someone would enjoy marrying. However, I think this maturing phase has slowed down tremendously in America. People think its ok to be immature and reckless until you’re 23 and married. Not that everyone is this way…but I see it a lot. Kids going to college for 8 years (no no, not because they plan on being a doctor, but because they realize they got it made in school) on their parents dime, not having to work at all. On the other hand, living life before marriage is an important part of growing up and maturing. Just don’t do it recklessly.
I understand where you are coming from, but for you to judge those who make the choice to marry young is rude. Everyone is allowed to control their own life. You are under the assumption that everyone should want to be exactly like you rather than their own individual. You have refused to look beyond your own beliefs. My husband and I got married at 24 for various reasons, a main one being that we are Catholic and there are various experiences, such as traveling together, that we were uncomfortable doing until we were married! (and Catholics also do believe in divorce, so there goes your “marriage doesn’t last theory”). I truly respect your choice to live as you see fit. Please have the decency to allow me to do the same.
I think this blog is great! I live with three roommates, two of which are engaged and under 23 one of which has been dating her boyfriend for almost three years. And I’m single as ever. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing wrong because I’m surrounded (literally surrounded) with couples and mushy-gushy love lives.
You’ve reaffirmed that I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m doing life the best way that fits me. It makes me SO happy that other people believe getting engaged that young is (in a way) a waste of time. If you’re truly in love, they’ll love you now and in a few years when you’re both mature enough to step into the world of marriage. I completely agree with you: Take advantage of your 20s. This is the most acceptable time to be risky, make (many) mistakes and be selfish!
Yes, you’ll probably get backlash from people, but that’s OK. There are so many takes on life, not everyone will agree on a single thing. This is YOUR blog and YOUR opinion, so keep writing!
Thanks for being so straight-forward and writing what I’ve so desperately wanted to say to so many people!
I am turning 33 in a week, and my husband and I have been married for 10 years. I did most of the things on that list with the exception of those that did not exist 10 years ago (like Crossfit, but I did learn how to whitewater kayak and ran class IV+ rapids. So maybe that counts). I don’t recommend dating two guys at once — It’s pretty immature and a waste of time. Many of the other items on the list can be done while married. You don’t die when you get married. You live your life together.
I agree that couples should not get married if they are doing it for your assumptions. For those who get married for the right reasons, which I won’t expand on in my lengthy comment, getting married early is the best thing you can do if you have that option. Not everyone has the “early” option. My dear twin sister had to wait until she was almost 30, and she is also happily married now. She would have gladly married earlier, but we can’t control everything in life. That’s okay.
My husband and I have four kids, the oldest being 9 (honeymoon baby!), and they are such a blessing. I love that we have the energy and zest for life to do things like drive to Alaska for the summer with all the kids or drive across the country. Every stage of life is wonderful, and kids only enhance the road to joy and maturity. We are also devout Catholics, which grants us a glorious perspective and meaning to it all. God Bless, and I hope you truly “find yourself”…in a better place, whether or not that includes marriage in the future.
i agree with “getting married early is the best thing you can do if you have that option” , if you get married it’s not the end of the world, it really is a nice thing 🙂
very, very fun and honest and i love the list. But just for some people, who already got married, and feel bad about themselves right now reading this list- don’t worry. You can still do most stuff from the list, you can actually still do whatever you want,because remember- marriage is not the end of anything- if you married the right awesome person, you are free as a bird. just don’t make out with strangers, but do the rest.! 🙂 xoxo
An additional male perspective. All of you are a shining example of how many of us have different dynamics, different paths, and different perspectives regarding living life with some of the flexibilities mentioned in this article. Some people define life free with your list, some people find life free by committing to things you speak caution towards. I could be incorrect in the assumption; however, I bet your sense of freedom and adventure came about because of your parents generation to teach you these things by example, while they were raising a family. I consider my parents a simple yet great product of the 50s and 60s X and Y couple. Before and after they had my sister and I, they were working as missionaries on the streets of San Francisco, in the pacific islands and elsewhere, returning to the East Coast to raise us, yet travel with us in tow, to teach by example a way to serve and be brought into other cultures. Years later, I am fortunate to be married, have four kids and maintain a sense of freedom to go and do the same, as we choose to do. It is a privilege to have the choice to be single and travel and work as you do. It is simply what works for you and your timing. Just my opinion, regardless of your choice, jokingly, life begins at 30. You collect experiences from your teens, early adult years and then bam, you suddenly start to have convictions about what it is you really want to do with those experiences and wisdom gained, projecting a better sense of what you would like to do for the next 20 years, perhaps. As with all on this post response, you will have opinions, some more appropriate than others. Safe travels.
I agree with you. We live in a generation where life demands more experience for self growth and well…yeah, more self growth. I just turned 23 and life gets better when you figure out yourself step by step, along the way.
Hey there. Fellow BC grad here.
I admire your determination to squeeze all life has to offer into your twenties. It’s awesome that you’re traveling. It’s awesome that you’re single and enjoying it. And I totally agree with your choice to put off marriage. But I gotta say, I’m incredibly turned off by your self-important preaching. This article pigeonholes women into one of two categories: women who choose to be independent, live their own lives, explore the world, fight the system, etc etc etc., and women who get married, have babies, and are slotted into a life of vacuous domesticity.
For someone who seemingly wants to promote women’s independence, you’re making an incredibly antifeminist statement. Some women our age may want to get married, have children young, work, travel, and “YOLO” (as you so eloquently put it) all at once. They may want to do some, all, or none of the above.
And so what? Who are you to condemn other young women for their personal choices? Instructing women to follow a particular path – YOUR particular path – is just as bad as telling women to find a husband, pop out a baby, and settle in the suburbs before age 25.
Your point fails to recognize the complexity of each woman’s unique personal choice, each person’s individual path. Instead of telling your audience to run away and conquer the world on a solo mission against stereotypes, why not encourage your readers to follow the path that is right for them – whether that be early marriage, late marriage, or no marriage at all?
Thanks for the educated response. I think you said whatso many of us were thinking very well.
For someone who’s been all over the world, I’d think you would be more open-minded. If there’s anything I learned in traveling it’s the wide diversity of what people value. This seems very American-egocentric. I definitely think your life is interesting, but I’m 22 and I know it’s not for me. I got married at 21, still no kids (thank God!), volunteering for CASA (look it up), getting my masters degree is marriage and family therapy (because all families and people have their problems), and I take pride in the fact that I’m committed to my husband and making our marriage work. I value the fact that I can share my life with him, but I’m in no way dependent on him. Oh, and I’m definitely not fat! I also substitute teach and run about 3-7 miles every day after work. Again, this article is an (biased, uneducated on the target) OPINION.
I actually admire you, but most of marriages are made because of unexpected pregnancy, or just because one of the spouses, mostly wives, are giving up from struggling in life, and think that the marriage is an easy way out. I’ve seen lots of cases like that. Most of them are lazy, not enogh educated and spoiled kids not used to work and fight for themselves by themself. You are, and that’s just my opinion, married because you know that it’s easier to struggle together with your loved one. I’m also 22, having a full time job, on my way to get masters degree in IT sector, working out everyday, but not married, and not planning to. The point is: Most of the married teens have regrets about their marriage, and it’s even worse if there are children involved. Once again, I admire you, but just admit that girl with her post has a good point too. Wish you the best of luck.
Thank you! That was VERY well put, nortonal!
Personal choices are just that. Personal. Condemning some for their choices and then getting pissed while others condemn yours is at best hypocritical. It’s great that you get to travel, drink till you can’t remember that you traveled and then disappoint your parents…but some would rather not.
“Some day, I want to get married too. I want a floor length dress with a ton of cleavage. I want it to be in Asia, with Ethiopian food, and a filthy scotch selection to calm my nerves when I inevitably start to panic and hyperventilate. But WANT and NEED are two entirely different things. I NEED to develop MY dreams and MYSELF before I can truly be the type of woman you WANT to marry.”
Some people develop themselves before the age of 23. Some people develop themselves before the age of 16. Some people don’t develop themselves until they’re 60. Some people never do.
But yes, I have to agree.. If you think dating two people at one time for fun is something to have on a bucket list, then you do have a lot of developing to do.
i’m totally with you 😉
totally agree on many points, however, who is to say that your married friends wont travel, explore their life together as a married couple? I got married at 24, and I still travel, I still explore the world…I go out on girls nights out, still go out get drunk ect. maybe i just have some extra laundry to do. 🙂
I should write a blog about people who wait to get married until a certain age and then marry whatever is in front of them. You are no better than the people your talking about. You want to do exactly what they did but you want to do it when your older. Marriage has nothing to do with age. A real relationship and marriage doesn’t magically appear because you turned 28 this year. Your list of things to do before your married… I don’t even have words for it. Sorry I didn’t eat an entire jar of Nutella or date 2 guys at the same time before I got married.
Wow! This was amazing to read. Thank your for your rant in response to this sensative issue that this post sparked. Anyone single, engaged, married… Could read this. Thank you again!
Nice to see some people have figured it out, life that is , and how to enjoy it.
Take me with you to the Philippines for Chinese New Year. Thanks
1. I am engaged. I am about to turn 22 years old. You assume, that my marriage will inevitably fail, and I will divorce before I turn 30.
2. While you may not mean to literally go out and accomplish your list, but try at least one or two instead, I am offended that you think that I am making poor decisions in my life—yet you have never met me!
I would like to think that the places that I have traveled to, and the accomplishments that I have made, are pretty admirable. That includes receiving an education (I am close to graduating), helping build my community and helping others, helping my fiancee achieve his goals as well, all while working a full time job, and living a healthy, happy lifestyle.
I value that you have an opinion, but I want want to know why you’re sticking your tongue out and making fun of me, just because you think that “you’ve accomplished more than me.” I thought one of your goals was to empower people? Well I will tell you one thing: you did not empower me. At all. I instead feel like I’m “in trouble” with you, for not being living an exact duplicate of your idea of the best life, ever. I’m being “shamed” for being too stupid. Anything is better than being in love, right?
If I end up divorcing one day, guess what? That’s my lesson to learn. You cannot assume that I am making the wrong decision with my life, just because there are people that do.
And for the record, my mom was right about everything, and still is. She also lived a completely different lifestyle that you seem to “think” everyone over 40 lived.
My parents got married when they were 25. I was born at 27, as their first. They had their own life experiences, and never once told me that I had to do it exactly like they did. The only advice I ever got was:
1. Go to school, for anything. Just get an education. Do your best.
2. Always have a job. Pay your bills, and be responsible.
3. If you want to move away from your hometown, go. If not, stay here. It’s YOUR choice, but you can always come back home.
4. Be kind to others, and do your part to help whenever you can.
They taught me to be a mature adult. They taught me to be an independent individual. I surely don’t hide behind my fiancee. I would be me no matter if I were single or not.
And if I get fat if we ever decide to start a family……. There ARE healthy exercise and eating lifestyles to fix that… Ya know?
Stop caring about what everyone else does. Let people make mistakes and learn from them. Support people in their decisions and strive to INSPIRE good advice, not hurtful words.
Also, can you clarify? You’re 22 right? It might be interpreted that you suggest to do anything you can before 23, then get married right then. Do you also have a certain age that you think it will be “too late to get married?” One might say, “life is too short to marry young.” Others might suggest that once you reach a certain older age, you’re past your prime. I say, life is too short to live it as if it’s an exact schedule, and expect things to fall right in to place with specific deadlines and due dates. If the time comes, it comes. That’s just my opinion, though.
I’m sorry that you don’t have the pleasure of having someone to love. I got lucky, but I won’t apologize for it. Carry on.
To all the people getting defensive because ‘we got married and our life is GREAT’: cool for you – just do your thing. As someone who got engaged at 19, I know what it’s like to think you’re doing the right thing. But last year I started having extreme periods of anxiety. Then I broke up with my ex and the anxiety stopped. Turns out, you can tell yourself you’re doing great but deep down inside you know you’re missing out on some amazing opportunities in life. This is an excellent post and it really does come from a good, honest place.
Sounds like you made yourself a great New Years Resolution list! I really appreciate you writing this article :-). I do not agree with everything, but value your worldview. Personally I took away that whether you take time to travel or eat nutella, it’s important before you get married to have “me time” and truly discover who you are and what kind of partner you want. Back in college I was in two serious relationships. I just saw on FB one of the guys I wanted to marry at one point post a picture of a dead coyote. I hate hunting, but I loved him. To think that at the age of 22 I was willing to sacrifice my values and geographic choices for love. Since I graduated college I have lived in several states and been on countless adventures, but more importantly I gave myself time to grow emotionally, independently, and spiritually. I do think it is awesome if you are 18 or 22 and you know yourself and your partner enough to be ready for marriage, oh and are financially stable to pay for a wedding! I also appreciated that you started the article by highlighting that marriages under 25 continue to have the highest divorce rate. Perhaps it is because there are a lot of people that although in love, still have more to learn about life before committing to one person.
Hmmm let’s see this seems tuned to girls but I will say at 24 I love my life in the army I don’t get to see my girlfriend a lot who is 23 and has two beautiful children who aren’t mine but I love them like they are (she’s divorced from the father) but to the author think about this I’ve seen people in marriage who make some single people look like shit so think about the image you portray because you sound like a spoiled little brat who mommy and daddy gave everything to I didn’t have that I worked for everything I have so has my girlfriend so think about your life
Ur life isn’t over when u get married just the promiscuity. Plus is not a rule u have to reproduce like a rabbit after u say yes to someone.
Ur life isn’t over when u get married just the promiscuity. Plus is not a rule u have to reproduce like a rabbit after u say yes to someone.
As a 21 year old who’s been married almost four years, I have to completely disagree with this article. It sounds ignorant, arrogant, and bitter. I wish you only knew how naieve you sound right now. One day you’re going to look back at this and laugh while saying “what was I thinking!?” Out loud. I hate to be so blunt, but marriage is something a person has no right to assess until they’ve been there themselves. Marriage and motherhood doesn’t define me, but I can comfortably say I know who I am. However, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today had I not made such a big decision. I don’t regret my choices, but rather celebrate them. Single life is easy, trust me. Marriage is no cakewalk, but if two people are truly willing to roll their sleeves up and do some dirty work, then it lasts. I have a very fulfilling marriage and life. It’s really quite wonderful, but man was it, or rather is it, hard. Lol As for your list of 23 things, here are my thoughts…
1. Get a passport.
Hmm.. Well I’m a young married mother. Does this disqualify me from traveling? What was that? No you say? Well great! Let me grab my family and my bags. LETS GO!
2. Find your “thing.”
Let’s see… I have many interests and passions. I knit, I’m a wonderful cook (so I’m told), I’m an aspiring illustrater and going to school to do so, oh and I love yoga! I’m training to be an instructor, and will be 200 hour certified by next May! Man I guess I failed, I have more that one “thing.” Oh well. *shrugs*
3. Make out with a stranger.
Eh no thanks. I’ve been there done that, kissing my husband is 100 times better. 😉
4. Adopt a pet.
Well geeze, I adopted two cats. Do I really need another? Lol
5. Start a band.
I’d consider it. Maybe my two year old could play the tambourine. Hahaha
6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too.
I’ve made too many! It’s gonna go to my thighs! But… If you insist I’ll send it with my husband to work.
7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage.
Well… I baked a lot of cakes, but my counter tops are full. I’ll just get a kick ass cupcake tattoo… Oh wait I already did that.
8. Explore a new religion.
Well, I didn’t know that was something I HAD to do. Sorry, I’m very grounded and sound in my faith in God.
9. Start a small business.
I plan to one day, but starting one so young would be a terrible idea. I’m glad I started with marriage instead.
10.Cut your hair.
Ugh, don’t remind me. My hair is growing too fast. If I could only do it before getting married then Id look like a sheep dog.
11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face.
Wow… I don’t even… What is this… Why would you… Just no. Sorry, I would never have done this, even before marriage. I have morals and a conscience. If this is your idea of “self discovery” I think you need to step back and re-assess who you are aiming to become.
12. Build something with your hands.
Cool! I’ll go help my son build his train tracks!
13. Accomplish a Pinterest project.
Eh… I have. It’s over rated. Call me conceited or lame, but I prefer my own ideas (ok some of my ideas lol).
14. Join the Peace Corps.
That’s cool and all, but I’m not doing the “college experience.” It’s my personal choice. If you want to do it I say go for it! It’s not part of my personal self discovery though.
15. Disappoint your parents.
Gosh, I wish I could stop doing that. Lol parents are rarely satisfied.
16. Watch GIRLS, over and over again.
What?
17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting.
I ate half. Is that close enough? I think I’m gonna be sick.
18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.
If only you could see me singing “banana phone” to my son at that grocery store…
19. Sign up for CrossFit.
Sure! I’ve wanted to try it.
20. Hangout naked in front of a window.
Hahaha… No comment. *blushes*
21. Write your feelings down in a blog.
Blogging wasn’t for me before marriage, and it still isn’t.
22. Be selfish.
Well that would be easy, but sharing is so much more satisfying. Have you ever tried to watch a funny movie alone? It’s so much better when you share the experience with another. Besides, how would that make me a good parental example? Two year olds are way too good at being selfish. -__-
23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year.
Sounds cool. My grandpa is Filipino. It’s part of my heritage, so I’d love to explore the Philippines with my family. As for going with you, I don’t know you all that well… Actually… I don’t know you at all. Sorry this is turning into a stranger danger situation. *runs away*
Sounds to me like someone is feeling jealous and bitter and this entire article is an immature outlet for said jealousy and bitterness. Why do you feel the need to knock other people who are just searching for their own happiness in their own way? Perhaps the fact that you have never had a serious boyfriend makes you feel extremely insecure and unsure of yourself in relationships. Rightly so. Marriage probably isn’t an appropriate next step for someone with zero experience in relationships who thinks it’s “cool” to stand naked in front of a window or date two people at once for fun. The entire list of things to do is pathetic- anything to make yourself forget that you feel like poop about yourself because you don’t have a significant other. For someone who thinks that their experiences have been so valuable to their growth, you sure seem like a stunted individual when it comes to your maturity level. This article proves why some people just shouldn’t be allowed to publish their writing publicly…
I can honestly think of 23 other things I could do instead of getting married that are funnier and … Well, worth my while. This blog actually sucked and idk why it went viral because even though I like being funny and I get the idea of it, it’s just stupid. Being a female; I feel this blog just gives young female adults a bad look. Sorry girlfriend, I’m not a fan.
Single greatest thing ive read all year…the whole 6 days of them. You put my thoughts on the net for me to examine and make sense of it all. Happy new year wishing you the best. Extend those precious moments. X
it’s safe to say she is most likely living a lonely life and probably will continue that way for a while. you want adventure? meet someone, get engaged, plan a wedding, experience that happy day, go on a freaking awesome honeymoon and share your life with someone you care about more than life itself ALL BEFORE THE AGE OF 21, rather than being selfish and checking things off your bucket list, such as “dating two people at once” are you kidding me? that’s high school crap. grow up and stop putting yourself out there or you’re going to be bringing more back from China than the trinkets you find at the market. 🙂
I thought this post was pretty enlightening, I know several friends that are in serious relationships and the fact is I can tell they sometimes pity me for being single, while I don’t feel bad for myself at all. I, and other people my age who are not in relationships, are relieved when they read something like this. To those that are in relationships, all the more power to you, but for those of us that aren’t these kind of articles are nice to read. These type of articles let us know that it is not wrong to not be in a relationship at a young age, and that it’s okay to work on ourselves.
To those is relationships arguing how she is just being bitter, that is not the case. I know I don’t resent those in my life who are in relationships, but it’s still nice to have someone on my side that isn’t just older relatives. Those in relationships, you can all laugh about this article with your significant other 🙂
I posted this on facebook and got a ton of negative feedback, but I love everything you’ve said. I’m 23 and I have a whole life left to live and and marriage is no where close to being on the table. I’m young and still have the right to be carefree, so thanks for writing from a perspective that I can relate to
I am here reading this blog posting because my Daughter shared another young woman’s response to it. I firmly believe in educating myself on the back ground of a story prior to letting another’s opinion influence mine so I read your original post in it’s entirety before reading the response. I am aware that when all is said and done, my opinions really only matter to me, we are each entitled to our own and I am not writing to condemn you for yours. I would like to offer you a bit of advice however, maybe open your eyes to not only enjoying this great big world but the other people in it as well.
I should mention that I am not writing to you as someone who is pro-marriage, nor am I anti-marriage, I am pro-happy. While I have been in a relationship with one man for most of my life; I, myself, am someone who has never married. Not because we don’t want to so to speak, we just never really got around to it. As you said “If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now….” Funny, I was just 20 years old when we started dating. We have broken up along the way so I have experienced life with him and I have experienced life without him. Now in our 3rd decade, we are still… Grow-ing, learn-ing, travel-ing, party-ing, cuddle-ing, read-ing, explore-ing Together, and I know that he is what’s right for me. It was quite apparent to me, long before you stated it, that you are an individual who has not yet known the bliss of falling utterly and completely in love with another human being. Based on your writings, you don’t yet know the desire, the need, to put someone else ahead yourself or to want to share EVERYTHING, with another person. I am sure that if/when that happens for you, you will be singing a different tune.
So who are you to say I did it wrong?
Admittedly, I had a hard time reading through your entire post as it sounded to me like the egotistical spoutings of a self absorbed individual who needs to bash other people in order to convince themselves that they are ok. What bothers me here Vanessa, is the way you offer up your own opinions as do’s and don’ts for everyone. An opened minded individual can widdle that list down to one single item: 1.) Do WHATEVER Makes YOU Happy, WHENEVER you want to do it.
Also bothersome to me, the blanket statements you make about Mothers encouraging their young Daughters to marry. As I said, I am here reading this blog only because of something my Daughter shared. My 22 year old, smart, fun, outgoing, tattooed Daughter; who loves to travel (she has a passport), who is currently pursuing her dream career path and who last year, married the man that she wants to share all of that with. She made this decision because it is one of the things that she wants more than anything in the world. Not as a cop-out from going out to face the ups and downs of the world, but because she wants to experience all of it, yet doesn’t want to do any of it without him. And while we often discussed it, she made this decision with absolutely no encouragement or influence from her Mother. Her Mother was (after a minute) 100% accepting and supportive of her decision, only because it was crystal clear that it was exactly right FOR THEM. Yet even though they are completely happy, they are not running around telling the world that they should get married too. Now wouldn’t that be just ridiculous? To think that what is right for them is right for everyone else?
Please, don’t be selfish. I don’t understand, if you are truly out there experiencing the world and all of it’s diversity, joining the peace corps and exploring religion, why would hurting others come so easy for you? Selfishness is ugly and there is way too much of it in our world. Be self-ful. Like careful, bountiful, wonderful. Take good care of yourself but take good care of others as well. If all you have to offer is negativity, sooner or later that is all you are surrounded with. Be selfless. Learn to be happy for and respect others, to be able to find true joy just in seeing others find their own true joy. Be careful how you treat others. You seem to be at a point in your life where many of your friends are deciding to marry. It’s only natural, at your age, that you will be receiving several invitations each year as your friends and family 1.) Do whatever makes them happy whenever they want to do it. That is, of course, if they are completely unaware of the lack of love and support that they have from you. I would have to think that the individuals in your life that led you to this outburst must feel personally attacked. Would you be willing to continue to share your life with people who not only feel that the way you choose to live your life is a complete waste, but they publish a mockery of it for the entire world to see? Please don’t say that you really don’t care Vanessa, because that would be a cop-out.
Finally, please, come back and re-write this list in 20 years.
Good luck to you Vanessa,
Justine
Everyone has their own happiness, what’s exciting for some people might be boring to others. Marriage might not be thrilling for some people but for others it can be. Everyone has a different perspective in life , since we all come from different backgrounds
Get a job, love someone, stand on your feet..have lots of money..then get married.
I love your writing voice, but I don’t agree with what you said! As a 20 year old who’s been dating someone for almost 5 years, I think it’s appropriate for people to marry as young or old (or never?!) as they like. I don’t want to be harsh, because your post is great 🙂 It really is. I hope that I can achieve just as much as you can if I do decide to marry before 23. The thing is that we all have different goals, and if those truly are yours (though I hope and suspect they’re not…) then all the best with them 🙂
I guarantee you that if she was purposed to her mind would completely change on what she wrote. Articles like hers are written out of bitterness. Instead of being happy for friends getting married they are just stuck on their own selfish feelings and jealousy. You can do as much growing and figuring yourself out as you want. But you’re always growing and figuring things out and it is much better and more fun to do it with someone you love. Also marriage is not a way to hide behind each other or a “safety blanket”. Being single is easier. All you have to worry about is yourself when single. Marriage takes work. Love is an action. Something to work at everyday to show your spouse that you love them. The 23 things she states to do before getting married are things that are completely not necessary or beneficial to do at all. She seems lost and I hope she finds love.
I have to agree with Tina’s comment…and it just so happens I did get married at 23. But not because I needed a “safety blanket” or someone to hide behind. I got married because I was emotionally ready to take that next step in my life with my PARTNER who I love…I’m sorry you’re not.