23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23
As 2013 wraps up, I’ve been noticing more and more people getting engaged and/or married under the age of 23.
I get it.
It’s cold outside… you want to cuddle and talk about your feelings… life after graduation is a tough transition… so why not just cut to the chase and get married, right? It’s hip. It’s cool. You get to wear clothing that wouldn’t normally be socially acceptable at the dive bar you frequent with the $5 beers. Eff it. YOLO. YOMO! You only marry once…
Oh wait.
The divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average. Divorce is no longer a staple in a midlife crisis, but rather, something that SEVENTEEN Magazine should probably be printing on. Headlines could read,
“How to budget for your prom AND your wedding in the same year!”
“What’s HOT: Kids raising Kids.”
“Why your Mom doesn’t really know what she’s talking about.”
Because at the age of 22, I have no idea who I am, what I’m doing, and who I’ll be doing it with for the next year… let alone for the rest of my life. And that’s awesome.
Some day, I want to get married too. I want a floor length dress with a ton of cleavage. I want it to be in Asia, with Ethiopian food, and a filthy scotch selection to calm my nerves when I inevitably start to panic and hyperventilate. But WANT and NEED are two entirely different things. I NEED to develop MY dreams and MYSELF before I can truly be the type of woman you WANT to marry.
What inspired me to scribble down my feelings (so many feelings!) is The Facebook. I’m seeing all of these notifications that “X and Y” have joined in matrimony and instantly, these waves of anxiety start to flow over me. Should I be thinking about marriage? I’ve never even had a serious boy friend? Is there something wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT IT FOR ALL THESE YEARS!?
But then I look at my life, my relationships, and my future… and I realize that, I’m fucking awesome. It literally isn’t me, it’s them.
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I have begun to notice a common thread amongst all these young unions: inexperience. Inexperience with dating, traveling, risks, higher education, career direction, SEX, solitude, religious exploration, etc… and it’s insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life.
I can’t help but feel like a lot of these unions are a cop-out.
It is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.
Which could be tomorrow, because the LGTBQ community isn’t ruining the sanctity of marriage, the Kardashian family is.
If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now. Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore. Do. Freaking. Something… other than “settle down” at 23 with a white picket fence.
Because you owe it to yourself. You are a human being that deserves to thrive inside AND outside of a relationship.
We are not our parent’s generation. I’m tired of hearing about how “my mom and dad got married young and X, Y and Z” because they were raised with a completely different set of values, priorities, and without the anxieties and adulterous risks that comes with the worldwide web. I’m speaking directly to the Millennials.
Millennials deserve the opportunity to develop ourselves, alone.
I recognize that my opinion is not going to be popular on The Facebook… especially amongst those who fall into the “under 23” category. I would be confused if I didn’t receive some sort of online backlash or a loss of friends on The Facebook. Some how… I will move forward.
But in the words of my 15 year-old sister, “Sorry I’m not sorry.”
Sure. Some days I wake up and stare at my ceiling thinking: “I’m single as fuck.” But then I realize that those friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon sssoooo in retrospect, who really is winning here? I’m in China. I’m having the best time of my life. I am responsible for my own happiness.
Please enjoy these 23 things to do instead of getting engaged before you’re 23.
1. Get a passport.
2. Find your “thing.”
3. Make out with a stranger.
4. Adopt a pet.
5. Start a band.
6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too.
7. Get a tattoo. It’s more permanent than a marriage.
8. Explore a new religion.
9. Start a small business.
10.Cut your hair.
11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face.
12. Build something with your hands.
13. Accomplish a Pinterest project.
14. Join the Peace Corps.
15. Disappoint your parents.
16. Watch GIRLS, over and over again.
17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting.
18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places.
19. Sign up for CrossFit.
20. Hangout naked in front of a window.
21. Write your feelings down in a blog.
22. Be selfish.
23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year.
… because at the end of the day, I just gotta wander onwards. Wishing everyone whiskey and wanderlust during the holidays.
XOXO V
Vanessa Wachtmeister is a travel tech professional and the creator of the wealth & wanderlust platform, Wander Onwards. Vanessa is originally from Los Angeles, California, she is a proud Chicana, and she has been living abroad for the last 9 years. Today, she helps people pursue financial and location independence through her ‘Move Abroad’ Master Class, financial literacy digital products, and career workshops.
I’m so chocked by all the reactions! I completely agree with her. You should enjoy living for yourself a while before spending your whole life carring for other. I don’t say that being a mother and wife isn’t going to be a wonderfull time it’s just that everything has its time. You should live, have fun, laugh and find yourself before giving all this love to someone else. I think that is what she meant 😉
You can certainly extract a positive message like that from this, and that’s fine. What I personally found displeasing (and what I think probably a lot of others did too) was the overtone of negativity towards those of us (probably most of us being offended) whose times have come before we were 23, that and the naivety of her list of apparently important things in life. But when it’s all said and done, I’m younger than 23 and I’m a lot bigger than to squabble over things said by someone who doesn’t know me or my life.
“Grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read, explore.” Everyone can (and should) do these things while engaged/married. Being married doesn’t mean giving up/ending your life.
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I just have to say to the author of this, your kind of an idiot. nothing on your list even matters. if people in our generation think your list is what living is all about, I am terrified for our country. I have done more then any single 23 year old, and more then most 40 year olds in my life then they have ever done, and I have been married since I was 19. this list reminds me of something my 15 year old cousin would write. but if this is your life and your happy, good for you. I hope you continue to be happy with your life
Age is just a number. If you and your partner are ready to get married by age 20, 30, or 40 who is anyone else to say otherwise. By age 22 i had done everything I wanted to do. I had travelled, strted my career, partied my ass off and was ready to settle down witg the love of my life and have babies. If your entre happiness is based on checking off each thing on that list then thats pretty sad. The writer clearly isnt ready to be married but that doesbt mean every other person her age isnt. Some people mature earlier then others. Although I do agree that the divorce rate is very high it has nothing to do with age. Its because society has made it an easy out when shit isnt going your way. Unhappy in your marriage? Heres an easy fix.. Get divorced. Dont try fixing the problem, communicating with eachother, or working so damn hard to keep what you have alive. No just get divorced. We come from an era where quitting is easier then looking yourself in the face and being brutally honest with yourself. Bullshit. Fight for what you have, love hard, argue until your tired but DEAL with your problems. If you go into marriage knowing that it is a one time oppertunity then it will be just that. I have only 2 deal breakers: cheating and abuse. Anything else i.can forgive and work through. My husband knows this and we both married forever. Dont forget the very vows you told eachother. Marriage doesnt have to be complicated you just need 2 people that will fight to the end for it:)
Sorry excuse for a whine about marriage-article . Single people of both genders have a high rate of depression and self destructive behavior-drugs booze etc… Single people Largely die alone and unhappy. A marriage even a poor one that I had ,has children is a sight to behold. People married or single who die childless and or unmarried( Unfulfilled without children ) do not know the joy of marriage or parenting. That is wonderful for both parents and child no matter how the children turn out. I cannot tell you How many thirty plus nobodies I know now Deeply regret their hedonism and money grubbing lifestyles. Some spend fortunes trying to have children after their biological clock goes past midnight..
This is the BEST blog post I have ever read. EVER. And I couldn’t agree more with everything you have said – you should be living your life YOUR way, and making YOURSELF something to be proud of, so that one day the right person will fall in love with YOU, not the idea of you.
Way to go, I loved it 🙂
For me, it was well written and related well to my life, that’s all .
its all relative to maturity and midset. Im 19 and have found myself. I cant afford marriage or a child yet but i am in love (have been for 2 years) and I am MY OWN PERSON with my own opinions and actions.
this just depicts how rotten our society is and how the marriage institution is not respected.I pity this girl and i absolutely do not agree with the list of the things you wrote. Its pure self-centered not to mention uninformed opinion.We are not validated by things we do or people we get married to but by who we are as individuals.Find your identity within yourself first and you will live a truly happy and a
full-filled life.
I think that’s exactly what she’s saying…find your identity first.
Dont be made, because she’s right.
some people find their identities sooner than others ( theres no set age) thats no reason to criticize people and tell them they are wrong just because youre not ready.
Thank you for bringing a little sanity and respect back to other people. I celebrated 50 years of marriage with my husband last year and wouldn’t swap any of them for the rubbishy life the writer is outlining for herself – or the readers who agree with her. Oh – and what’s with this “Getting engaged lark’? Is that just for show – or is there a bona fide marriage commitment at the end of it?
Agree ndush! As a young person seeing people ridicule and de-value marriage really saddens me. And this list is just stupid anyway. I only hope to meet someone who shares values as I do.
Right !!! I agree also things like be selfish???date two people at the same time?? like what i was with it if you say cut your hair but some of the list is plain wrong!
Haha loved loved loved your comment and like I said I’m 22 happily married and the things on her list sounded extremely stupid..iI can name 23 better things to do with my family
I agree, I mean sure, she can do as she likes, but she doesn’t have to diss everyone who chooses to do other things with their lives. Thank you for the reply by the way, :3
Your young so enjoy it. You have no need
to discredit others your own age in the attempt to make yourself feel better. Find confidence within so that you don’t feel compelled to embarrass yourself publicly.
Your a human being and we are all flawed.
First accept yourself. I do not know you, but I respect you as a human being regardless of your views. Be quick to listen and slow to respond….find peace within without putting others down. For we are all children of God. Peace my young friend, I recognize you are in pain.
This is one of the stupidest post I have ever read.
First off all, you have absolutely no idea what marriage means and whatn is its purpose, age has nothing to do with divorce, its people who are childish and selfish in their marriages. I happened to get married at 22 and seriously thats when my life started.
Second of all, your list is absolutely ridiculous, childlish and discusting, goddammit do u have a brain? I am not even trying to be mean but person who thinks logically would never make a to do list like you did. Be selfish? Cheat on someone? Dissapoint parents? You have no heart, because of people like you this world is going down!!! And get a tattoo cuz is more permanent that marriage? Lmao, that is.not true.
You make me sick !!!
Wait. They won’t let you get a passport if you’re married? Shit.
So. Ignorant.
While I definitely respect your opinion because it is very sensible, you should not be bashing others lifestyles. I understand that times are very different now from when our parents were growing up and that the acceptable age for one to marry has likewise increased. But that doesn’t mean that certain circumstances have vanished with this increase. At the age of eighteen I am engaged to my boyfriend (or I should say fiance) of 20. While I understand how this sounds completely ridiculous to many people, no one quite understands our circumstances. He is in the military and in the year of 2013 we were only able to see each other once. For both of us this has been pure torment and just a struggle to not be able to see your best friend and love for that long of a period. There are many nights when I know that, for myself anyways, I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. Even though that has happened more times than I would honestly like to admit, some days I just have to push through it. However, back to your point. Just because I will be married at the time many other individuals think that their hot single life has begun doesn’t mean that my aspirations have changed as well. I will still attend college like my friends and my dreams to travel the world will perhaps be easier to purssue by being with my best friend whose job is to move around and serve our country at different bases, in the States and out of the States. I am very excited for the life ahead of me and am very disappointed to hear that people like me are being ridiculed by those who do not consider the options. I hope that you have a very nice time by living your life without me complaining about it, now why can’t you likewise give me the same respect…?
There is a disconnect between the written part of your blog post and your list. In your list I think what you WANTED to say is “get your passport…travel to exotic places like me….and live this fabulous life I live!” Hell yeah. Who wouldn’t want to? But then you realized, oops… I guess that wouldn’t be very sensitive to make a list encompassing all the awesome things I am so busy doing. So you made stupid shit up that people CAN actually do no matter what their circumstances, responsibilities at home, physical limitations, and INCOME. Um… not all 22-year-olds have the privilege of such freedom, lack of responsibility or ties to family…nor Daddy’s credit cards to pick up and live such a hedonistic, free wheeling, self centered, absolutely FABULOUS life as you are able to indulge in. While writing your post, once you realized you could not actually LIST all the things you were thinking because it would make it obvious you are a self-indulgent little brat, you should have re-read the first part and realized your words betrayed that truth for you. Count your own personal good luck and stop judging others for the REAL lives they live.
This is very true. The article may not exhibit perfect logical reasoning, but the main point is indeed valid. I’m an anthropologist, and yes, we sexualize females far too young in our culture and urge them to rush into every facet of being a woman before they’re even really young ladies.
Most females of my own generation getting married these days are “girls.” They haven’t had enough time to become “women” yet, but somehow still seem to falsely assume that they are fully prepared and equipped for a marriage, and children. And then they pass this attitude of the normality of premature commitment and marriage on to their kids…and the cycle continues, or worsens.
I’ve seen this among my own friends, acquaintances, and among plenty of strangers.
I am 25 years old, a college graduate, and have done a tour of service with the Peace Corps. I’ve had lots of time to mature and develop on my own, to see the world, and to grow at my own pace. And to be honest, I STILL don’t feel anywhere near ready for marriage, and definitely still want to run the other way when kids are mentioned.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with living your life instead of pairing off due to societal pressure to fit into the safely-labeled box of the normal and expected.
Anyone bashing this young woman’s forthright honesty and self-awareness really needs to go take a long, long look in the mirror and ask themselves why they’re getting so defensive.
I’m 32 and married, and still went through that list checking off what I have and haven’t done. Being so old, I’ve not seen a trend in the younger millennials, but in the last few years most of my friends have done the marriage-house-baby-career thing and it’s nice to read a reminder that there’s a lot of life out there for all of us, young or REALLY young; hitched or not.
A better list: http://ourtwosenses.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/23-things-i-did-at-23-instead-of-getting-engaged/
Woooohooo! High five to be single as fuxk! Lol, this was hilarious, but at the same time totally agree with you. I personally think that marriage shouldn’t be rushed into, live our lives, be happy , do what only single people can do and then settle down. Woah, some comments are just plain rude. You’re awesome by the way, and I don’t know why some people have to post negative comments when we’re all entitled to our own opinions and own decisions we make in life. I love the list, I’m sorry but I’m stealing it, thank yoooou 🙂 and edit it a bit, the whole idea is to just be spontaneous is it not. Happy Living 🙂 lol, all the best xox
this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. I’m 21, not married, but I do have a child. making people feel like shit for choosing to love one person and then giving them a faulty list (date two people? yeah, that’s a great idea. let’s advise young people to cheat on each other) of things that YOU think they should be doing instead… ridiculous. honestly, next time you’re going to write a bad, terribly biased article with horrible advice included in it: don’t. just stretch your lip over your head and eat it, instead.
This is lovely – and so appropriate. You are wise.
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I loved this so much. Bravo to you girl. The people who give you shit for this are the same people your talking about, so ignore them. I fully agree with you that you need to develop alone before you can fully be there for someone else. Whenever young friends of mine get married, whether they are just out of Highschool or graduating from college, I always think how absolutely hard it’s going to be for them if they divorce in a few years. Imagine how much harder a divorce will be if you’ve never experienced how to be alone and support yourself because it was too scary to think about when you were 18…. Sad.
Anyway, great job. I had to share this with all my friends, married or not.
You should do a follow-up article after completing this list telling us how it went!!
This is a disgusting post and a disgusting list. For someone who is so “worldly” and “cultured”, you’d think you’d have more respect for people getting married, especially because young marriage is very common in other cultures. This is clearly the post of a selfish, immature, promiscuous brat who has never been in a meaningful relationship and has blatant disregard to other people’s happiness. Not a single fucking thing on that list can’t be done while married or in a serious relationship. Not a single fucking thing on that list is even exciting, exotic, fulfilling, or challenging. Personally, I’ve experienced MUCH more of the world AFTER being in a committed relationship than I ever did when I was single, including adopting a pet, traveling all over the US and other countries, baking, etc. Along with other far more interesting activities than the ones listed. If those are the things that excite you, good for you. But don’t put potentially loving relationships down and claim that eating nutella by yourself is a better experience. Disgusting.
with 3,563 prior responses already, I’ll make mine brief and to the point.
I’m 20, married and began my engagement less than a year ago. I’m not going to say your decision is wrong because I think you’re right; a lot of young couples are probably rushing into marriages and divorces are probably skyrocketing. I say probably because I haven’t run the study, I’m just observing the state of the society.
But you’re probably not very popular with people like me because while you may have made an allowance for us, you pretty much made us all up to be fakes locked into a safeguard contract which we’ll probably weasel out of in 6-12 months simply for the fact that our life-calling wasn’t to see the entire world before we were 23 but to see the entire world of one individual which will be a journey that will take us the rest of our lives and provide us with millions of times more satisfaction than the foreign party life.
Please don’t think I mean to bash your point of view.
But some of us know we’re doing the right thing for us. I can say for a fact that my parents are damn proud of who and what I am, my career and my marriage.
And since you mentioned it anyway I won’t spend any time mentioning that my parents had their first child before they were even 20, and my grandparents were 14 and 16 when they got hitched.
Yes, I’m a Millenial. The fact is, our generation is the one out of the norm. We’re waiting a lot longer to get married than our grandparents did. That’s okay, and for all the people that wave your flag, I don’t have anything against you for it. Things are changing. Society is making education a norm where our grandparents’ generation and even some of our parents’ generation didn’t finish highschool. Because back then education wasn’t done in a classroom, it was done in the real world, and that was okay, and in my opinion it’s still okay.
Now I’m straying from my point, so I’ll just hit home what I wanted to say. Your life is fine. But so is mine, and you might think yours is a lot more enviable than mine, but the truth is, it’s not.
And not that it makes a spit of difference to me, but I’ve already done ten of your items. We’re not boring, we’re not dead and we’re living life to our fullest, not yours. And what’s even better? I’m having my adventure with my best friend by my side.
Thank you for your incredible response to such a disgusting list of judgements. I was in shock when I first read this article, along with some of the responses. My anger was quickly settled when I came across your words. Because, I, like you, also get to spend life with my best friend. And though, I would never judge anyone for their own way of life, I couldn’t be happier with mine. In 9 months from now, I will say “I do” to the most incredible person I have ever come to know. I am only blessed to have met the man who shares my passion for life. So I’ll walk away with your words from this, rather than the slander listed above. Thank you.
I’m very glad to have been able to give positively to someone (even if just one person). And congratulations by the way on your upcoming wedding! That is so awesome (: best wishes to you and your husband to be (:
I as well am getting married this summer at the age of 22. Yes, everything this article talks about seems like a whole lot of fun, but what will be more fun is doing all of the things listed with my best friend. The millenial generation started in the early ’80s and most probably got married during the 2000s. Maybe the Millenial generation is the cause for the increasing divorce rates that have been rising since the turn of the century. Today’s culture is about having a free-spirit, being a individual and making your own happiness. Work hard, but play harder. It’s no wonder our generation has such a tough time staying commited. We are a generation addicted to the identity of what we think will make us happy. I love your reply, Carson. Thank you.
So true Shannon. But thankfully *true* human nature and love are still stronger than a warped culture and a few nay-sayers. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! The road ahead won’t be easy but I can promise you it’ll be worth every drop of blood sweat and tears if you cleave to each other unconditionally (: best wishes!
I’m 22 in 15 days and this post makes me feel so much better. I feel like I’m doing life wrong when I see Facebook friends getting married and having kids! Sound ridiculous? Thanks for sharing 🙂
if you are happy and healthy now and you feel its right, go for it…. If it works out ..yay, if it doesn’t then plenty of lessons learn’t. people need to stop putting timelines and specifics to these things, in the end it will not matter, what will matter is how happy you were, single or married..live and let live . oh and the fat friends who have had babies? so suddenly baby weight makes the entire miracle of bringing a human being into the world silly and pointless. how old is the OP again? Christ.
This. Is. Awesome!!! I got married at 19 and guess what? Divorced at 20. Maybe it works for some kids and that’s sweet but it didn’t for me! You’re so right!!!
I am now engaged and just turned 23. My fiancée and I have travelled and will continue to travel l and explore together. We go out and party, have nights in, cook and travel etc together. Don’t make others feel bad coz you think differently. That’s not fair. Marriage can start something amazing . Every one comments on how many marriages fail how bout celebrate the ones that last 🙂
Kudos Vanessa! I was so happy to see someone bringing attention to a problem that has been inherently over looked repeatedly, and the fact that it was coming from a young individual that was related to the generation issue just sweetened the pot. I believe that you hit the nail on the head & you spoke out on the elephant in the room. I don’t usually use two euphemisms in a single sentence, but I am so excited that you are going public about a major hot-button topic that I just couldn’t help myself. 😀 I myself got married at a very young age and I take no offense to what you said. I know first hand the additional trials and tribulations that one has to face when a forceful maturity is reached and society has labeled you a “baby having a baby”. I have never regretted the decision that I had made long ago to give up my youth and raise my son. I would certainly do it again if I were asked, although there are quite a few things I would do differently; because even though I matured quite a bit sooner than the majority of my classmates, I still had a lot of growing too do. There was no where near the number of teen pregnancies back then as there are today; and even with the very few that gave birth and tried to raised their child, only a handful actually was able to follow through. I think the people who got married young and are upset with your words are those that either don’t want to admit that your right and they should never have gotten married and/or had a child so young, or they are extremely happy with their decision and just don’t realize what a big issue this has become with young people. But the latter of the two needs to realize that you’re not downing them on their decision, but that your are raising awareness of a serious issue occurring to teens and young adults in which the numbers are growing at an alarming rate. I cannot tell you how many teens I have seen get married and/or have a baby before they were mature enough. It is a sad day when a teen gets pregnant – purposely – and then that infant suffers just because Mom has no clue (and doesn’t really care to learn) how to raise another human being. These young people having babies don’t realize how much work parenting really takes. It’s quite a lot! All they see is the cute cuddly baby that they can dress up and show off, and not the fact that this tiny living creature is completely and utterly dependent on you for everything to survive. The realization that there will be what seems like endless sleepless nights of non-stop crying doesn’t quite make it past the dreams of adorable outfits, braiding versus pig-tails, or playing catch in the back yard. When that inevitable movement happens and junior decides he is the most unhappy camper in the world, whether it’s colic or teething or over-tiredness or any of the million and a half reasons infants spend night after sleepless night crying, it can bring the best parent to their knees. And if you couple that with the strain a marital fight, exhaustion, and a surmounting backup of chores/work, even the strongest of adults can be reduced to a puddle of tears and despair. A lot of people don’t realize that marriage and parenting is hard work. Rewarding – but really hard work. Marriage doesn’t just happen, it’s an emotional roller coaster that every couple must continually learn to improve upon. Because a good marriage is not only a union where two people can grow old together, but they both must grow and develop who you are as a person together as well. We need to stop coddling the new generations and hold them responsible/accountable for their actions. Now I made my fair share of parenting and marital mistakes throughout my life just like everyone else; every time I did though, I reminded myself that we are all in the same ‘trial & error’ classroom of life and I would pick myself up, dust myself off, and learned from those mistakes so I could be a better Mother to my son. My son is now 24 years old (they really do grow up so fast) and I found myself in disbelief as I realized my only child – my baby – was trying to rush into settling down and starting a family. That was when I suddenly flashed back to his friends that were marrying so young that they didn’t have time to learn who they were and what they were capable of, let alone enough time to properly have that youthful carefree fun. So, I too had to have that “you need to go out into the world, make mistakes, and grow; so you can find out exactly who you are, what you’re made of, and make your mark on society” combined with the “don’t grow up too quickly, enjoy your youth, because you have more than enough time to spend on maturity and settling down”, and so on and so forth. Now this all happened about a year ago, right around the age that you were discussing; and I can tell you, it would have helped greatly if I had had your post to reference and show him when I was having our ‘why you shouldn’t grow up too fast/enjoy your life, your youth’ discussions. It wasn’t until after those said discussions that it had dawned on me that it wasn’t my son that was introducing the settle down/get married/start a family right away right into his thought process, he was actually just riding the rails of today’s youth in society. What made me realize this was his ‘it’s norm, an every day occurrence’ demeanor. No matter who, what, or why this frame of mind has been instilled into our children’s minds, we need to help them understand that it’s actually a good thing to have fun, find yourself, make mistakes, and define who you are and what you want out of life. I was astounded at the number of married and/or pregnant teens and young adults in the past year alone. So even if this information only helps a handful, that is a handful that will be able to look back on their life and smile because they were able to enjoy their youth. So I am hoping that all reading this will assist our youths and instead of being angry and offended because you don’t fit the mold of the young people getting married and/or having children too young, help a teen or young adult that does. The youth of America shouldn’t be struggling every day just to make it by and wondering “Would if?” – they should be taking part in society and aspiring to make their dreams come true!
I just want to say that I think it’s ridiculous the amount of bashes you got here. Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course , but you said it yourself that you too look forward to the day when things like marriage come for you. All you’re trying to get across is an important message to women like me (22, single) to stop searching and just start living. I find that I am often looking for happiness, instead of taking the time to be grateful and realize that I already am. I don’t need a man right now, by looking for him and wishing I had connections with certain people, I am only giving myself permission to settle for less than I deserve. I have full control over whether or not I am ever heartbroken again, because the next person I allow into my heart should be someone who keeps it safe.
4 years ago I lost a boyfriend of 3 years in a car accident. I was 18 when he passed away. It was my greatest heartbreak and he is still the greatest love I’ve ever had – because he was a gentleman, and he loved me. I’ve let some pretty shitty guys into my life since then. The next person who wins my heart will exceed that love, and I take pride in knowing that I won’t ever settle for less.
Thank you.
Read the four Gospel books of the Bible – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. That is what I tried new when I was 21, and it changed my life.
Find salvation!
While I totally respect your opinion, I believe in the statement : variety is the spice of life. Everyone’s individual lives, choices, personalities, and views are what makes this life dimensional. The fact that you are living and exploring your life is beautiful, but people learn and experience things differently. What is right for you is not right for everybody. I am so happy I found the one who makes my soul happy, even if it was at a young age. But I know other people, that got married young and it ended tragically. I hate that you are stereotyping young couples, when others could easily stereotype you. They don’t know you and you don’t know them.
Thank you!! Your comment was amazing and took the words right out of my mouth, I’m 22 happily married to my best friend and high school sweetheart, we have three kids and our life is more amazing than everything I read in this post!! I think people should just learn to live thier own lives and not stereotype young couples!
I got married at 19, divorced at 23, and married again at 25. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing when I got married, but I should have known better because issues were already apparent. I watched all my friends doing awesome things, and I knew I’d never be able to join them in their awesome adventures because I was about to embark on my own differently awesome adventure. I regret the things I was unable to do and hope my kids will learn from my experience and have those adventures before they settle down.
On the other hand, I had my first baby at 19 and my second at 26. It was a lot harder the second (and third) time around than it was the first. I have friends in their early 30s who are just starting to have kids, and I don’t envy them one bit anymore because they are in for some very long nights and some very severe sleep deprivation (it actually is worse the older you are).
Still, yay for finding yourself before finding someone else! If you don’t know who you are, how the heck can you expect anyone else to?
As one of the few guys I see posting on this site, I just wanted to offer a response. Average life spans used to be 40 or less. Child mortality rates used to be much higher as well. In a not-so-distant past, it made perfect sense to marry and get pregnant at 11, 12, 13, 14, because the body could handle the stress of natural pregnancy better, and because often the mother wouldn’t be around after 30, and European laws reflected that up until the second half of the last century. Now life spans are 80+. Now child mortality rates are extremely low in the developed world (and this is a luxurious developed-world cyber-debate by the way.) Since we’re here for so many more years, and there are so many more choices than before for what we can do with our lives (earlier women suffered great pains to bring this generation the greatest freedom to choose what to do with your girly lives in all of history), why not honor their struggles and take the time to stretch out your youth, discover yourselves more fully, and if you meet and find your mates, develop your brains (which take lots longer than the body) and bring more to your partnership than being so green, fresh out of college, and totally inexperienced with a head full of fantasies? As lots of people have said, it’s not about being prescriptive and telling others what to do. But by all common sense, a longer life span could mean that we take our time in the different phases of our development without the need to rush into the next thing having not fully explored the last one. And yes, there exists a culture of girls who are taught and who self-perpetuate a marriage=respectability; single=questionable belief system after a certain age, which definitely should be challenged on it’s bald face. And when there is a true shift in that prejudice against “spinsters”, then those who do marry at 19 or 21 or 30 or 50 would do it because the person they choose is so compelling, that they just can’t pass up the opportunity to be with someone that terrific. And at that point it’s really a choice and not an ingrained set of automatic knee- jerk pseudo-choices which don’t help move anyone forward.
This is one of the most immature posts I have ever read. You are generalizing all people who have gotten married young, and being completely ignorant to the fact that some of those people have been dating for years and feel it is the right time to get married after graduating college. It is not your place at all to judge anyone for getting married at a younger age because they are in love. People are getting divorced left and right, but when a marriage is centered on Jesus Christ the age of marriage does not matter. If two people are self-less and are willing to work together and grow together, the years only become better. I am so appalled that people actually think this way. I always hope for the best, so I do hope that you come to terms with any bitterness or jealousy you may be feeling towards your peers getting married. I feel the mature thing to do is be happy for them and respect that they are going down a different path than you, instead of hurling judgmental insults at them and generalizing all young marriages into one bucket. There is nothing wrong with being single at 23, and there is nothing wrong with being married at 23.
Perfection…. I’ve done everything, except #s 5,14 + 23, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been (at 43). My friends waited to marry, so I can’t speak to those marrying young — but I’ve found my true love later in life, when we both did so much on our own. And we’re ready to now create crazy new lists together. Good for you — and so much luck! ♥
This is really stupid. Sounds like you need more friends. I am 21 and have done majority of those things, because I have a life and don’t sit around making stupid blog posts. Go find a boyfriend, because you clearly have too much time on your hands, and your cakes must suck.
I half agree with your blog..but not completely. I did not get married before 23.I was 24 when I tied a knot. But yes I always thought like you.. I wanted to party till I drop and do all the crazy possible things and never get married..I pitied all those who were getting married.. thought of marriage as end of life, fun, parties, craziness, adventure.. I wondered why all the brides were super excited and went all gaga about spending the rest of their lives with the same guy ;p.. But when I was getting married, I just couldn’t stop smiling.. And it’s almost 11 months since I got married and I still travel, party hard and do most of the things in your list..Yes I do agree that you can’t see many guys.. but if you have the right guy with u..u don’t regret seeing the same face every morning. Trust me even before you are half done with the crazy things in your list, you would want to spend a whole weekend with the same guy watching movies, having a pizza rather than going to wild parties with random men!..I have had a wonderful time, traveled to places, Partied hard.. even after marriage but with one guy.. This one guy redefined the meaning of marriage .. So I don’t disagree with your thoughts but It is just a phase of your life that you are in right now. May be because you did not meet the Mr Right or just not ready for it. But well I still think its the messiest thing on earth to have babies and raise them..and I don’t get it when the sleepless mommies describe parenting as bliss..;p yes the concept of having babies and spending the rest of your life for them freaks me out. May be this is another phase in a girls life .. It’s all about time.. When you are ready for it, You will love it. So,just enjoy the ride, do whatever you want.. After all its your life! But do not judge others life 🙂
Thanks for writing this. You helped me come to some important realizations.
Anecdotally, I met the man who was to be my husband when I was just 21. That year, I got a passport, studied in Russia, visited Galicia (northwestern Spain), and began filling out the countless piles of paperwork to study Spanish (something I’d never touched) in Galicia in the Spring of 2012 so I could live with my fiance in the place where he grew up and learn to speak his family’s language. It changed me so substantially that the person I was before college wouldn’t recognize herself now, politically, physically, or emotionally. I married my husband shortly before I turned 23. Then I finished my degrees in English and Russian, fulfilled my Honors Thesis requirements (Seamus Heaney’s portrayal of women in his poetry). And moved to Spain. For a month. Before heading to Germany. Where I am currently. I have done nearly everything on that stupid little list.
Common sense reply: Yes, I get what you’re saying. Make more of your life than just marriage, see and do things, blah blah blah. Right. Emotional fulfillment will probably come from more indefinite goals, such as seeking knowledge and and questions, rather than emotional and economic security. ¡¡¡¡¡IF!!!!! …that’s who you are!!! Some people can never and will never want those things. They have much simpler desires than I or anyone else. And if you’re not one of those people, who have often represented the majority in all cultures across the world, then don’t hitch yourself to their standards. Getting married and buying a house and attaching yourself to a substantial mortgage when you’re interested in the culture of Amazonian tribal ties is stupid and absurd. That’s what you should be doing. But don’t, please don’t, disparage the lives of people like my parents, who are still happily married and provided enough for me to go out and do the things I care about, are currently getting that second chance of life, having a blast at doing it, etc.
What this post should have said is this: Do what makes you happy; ignore the people who tell you that your emotional, psychological, physical needs can be found within a finite box; get your fulfillment out of what interests you, and no one else (unless it’s murder). If that’s marriage to someone who unites both happiness and your life goals into one place, then do it. If it’s going off alone to trek across Southern Asia, do that, too. *This* is emotional maturity. Not denigrating someone else’s life because it fulfills more traditional, but not your, ideals of happiness.
But thanks for reminding me not to be so contemptuous toward people who made less exciting choices in their life. It’s sometimes very difficult for me to remember, when they were people whom I was constantly fighting in school and in my hometown. Now that I’m confident in my own choices, I can just see that we were different people without much mutual understanding, and that’s totally alright, because we enlighten and enable each other.
I don’t think this is very good advice. Too many people are putting off growing up and have no roots. Life doesn’t work like Eat Pray Love.
You eat the cakes you made all by yourself. First you Instagram it though because there is no one to try it with you and say, “hey it’s pretty good!”
You get lucky and find a nice job. You feel good finally wearing a suit and facing a clean desk in a place where you don’t get splashed with dishwater and come home smelling like cooking oil like the waitressing job that got you through college. You feel good finally having some steady income and being able to buy avocados when they’re not on sale and shampoo that’s not from a drugstore. But when you come home at the end of the day, your house is as empty and still as it was when you left it. No one says, “hey!” or “how was your day?” and there’s no smell of food cooking, nothing. You make your own dinner and eat it in front of the talking faces on TV so you’ll feel less lonely. It’s alright, you say, because tomorrow’s Friday and you’re going out for a night on the town.
You study or live abroad. You get drunk on different drinks in a different language. You rub shoulders with people from all over the world, maybe you even fall in love. But there comes a day when you look around and realize you don’t and never will belong there. People go on in their own little worlds with all the cultural and linguistic intricacies you can never really penetrate. You can’t pin your discontent on any one experience. Little things poke in you like needles until you decide to come home, which you avoided doing for a while because “I’ve nothing to go back to” –a situation you yourself chose and created.
You date and experiment and play around. It’s all fun and games until someone (namely: #1) gets hurt. Deception, manipulation, cheating, one-night stands and no-strings entanglements…how do those make you a happier, healthier, kinder person? None of them teach you how to love someone other than yourself for once, for 50 years. None of them will show you your true worth and beauty, because you ARE worth a 50+ year commitment, if you can be real and not fake about life and love.
Anyone who says life is happier when you’re getting and experiencing more more more more and living for me me me me is selling something. Don’t fall for it.
Just because you plan to become boring once you get married doesn’t mean everyone has to.
Also yes, having a partner is an admission that the world is too big and scary to deal with on your own. And it’s a true admission at that. No-one deals with the world on their own, we all rely on relationships for our very continued existence, with family, friends, organisations and institutions full of people, neighbours and romantic partners. You think your relationships which have less obligations on you are better than the relationships of people whose relationships hold more obligations from them – that is not so. Humans only really feel happy when they have some constraints – being young is for sure about figuring out where the constraints are, but if some people figure out earlier than you, why should you get upset with them. You and they will still be growing 20, 40, 60 years down the line constraints or no constraints.
Reblogged this on innervoiceoutloud's Blog.
Bottom line is that we have our own opinion about how we see life, how we deal with circumstances, how and when will get married, and how we use these challenges and how it could make us better persons. The thing is that we live our lives the way we want them too, only we have to consider that there is and there will always be a God that designs, paints, erases, and creates a better life that He knows best.
That will be on my part though, we can still consider other opinions and respect them.
How is eating a jar of Nutella and watching Girls to live life fullest?
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The idea of not getting married before 23, well, yes, somehow it’s acceptable. But hell yeah, hate your list. they’re stupid and immature.